By Suzy Mccoppin
I’m not gonna lie. They’re real, and they’re spectacular. So spectacular in fact Kate Moss handpicked them to represent hers in a White Stripes Video. So did Ashley Judd when she had to get ‘em out for ‘The Bug,’ and Kim Cattrall on “Sex & the City”. Yes, those were my knockers. Impressed? Thank you, but not as much as you would have been ten years ago. Or fifty years ago. Or any other decade in American history aside from this bizarre cultural pile up we call the 21st century. The queen is dead. And by “queen” I mean titties.
All fallen monarchs have successors. There was Monroe, then there was Bardot, then there was Anderson. Now we have… Kardashian? In 2012 the ‘Ass’ reigns supreme. Yes, Kim Kardashian has massive bombs but does anyone give a shit? Has anyone even noticed? I vaguely recall two distracting orbs in her sex tape, but I just thought they were midget’s brought in to ramp up the kink factor.
But how? How could such an innocuous threat overthrow a seemingly invincible empire? I blame J. Lo. Somewhere in The Bronx, in, oh say about 1986, the rebel force was preparing to topple the twin dictatorship. And it did, in a victory so unforeseen it hearkens back to the Vietnam War. Or when Ivan Drago killed Apollo Creed.
I present a hypothesis: Ask any guy under 40 what he’s into and the vast majority will reply: Brunettes with nice asses. While men over 40 will invariably reply “Blondes with big boobs.” We are a nation divided.
Had I proposed said hypothesis: In 1990 I imagine the reception would not have been unlike the one braved by Chris Columbus when he was on that whole “the earth is round” tip. Flying cars and legalized marijuana? No problem. But butts? Over boobs? Brunettes over blondes? Preposterous. The busty blonde is this country’s lifeblood, staunchly enduring in the face of world wars and cultural revolutions. Until now.
When I asked British expat/ Hollywood sperm bank Russell Brand to expound on the matter, he had this to say “A woman’s ass is sublime, and the fact that there’s an orifice in there is …well, it is one of life’s great gifts.” Really? Try telling that to a toilet.
So what is the point of this rant other than allowing me to vent about having to retire my Miracle bra while saving on Balayage highlights? It’s to implore you, dear reader, to dig deeper. To embrace the notion that the there’s more to the apple-bottomed brunette than a juicy booty and sultry tresses, and that perhaps Bel Biv Devoe was wrong, and we should trust a big butt and a smile. Or, at least, in a big butt and a smile. Many a lesson can be gleaned from the ass- About tolerance, about beauty, about corn and how we don’t digest it so good. The badonk should be erected as a symbol of equality and a visually pleasing reminder to never discount the underdog.
“If I can change, then you can change. Everybody can change!” Rocky Babloa after he knocked out Ivan Drago in the 15th round. (Incidentally, Drago was a blonde.)