I’m not gonna lie. They’re real, and they’re spectacular. So spectacular in fact Kate Moss handpicked them to represent hers in a White Stripes Video. So did Ashley Judd when she had to get ‘em out for ‘The Bug,’ and Kim Cattrall on “Sex & the City”. Yes, those were my knockers. Impressed? Thank you, but not as much as you would have been ten years ago. Or fifty years ago. Or any other decade in American history aside from this bizarre cultural pile up we call the 21st century. The queen is dead. And by “queen” I mean titties.
All fallen monarchs have successors. There was Monroe, then there was Bardot, then there was Anderson. Now we have… Kardashian? In 2012 the ‘Ass’ reigns supreme. Yes, Kim Kardashian has massive bombs but does anyone give a shit? Has anyone even noticed? I vaguely recall two distracting orbs in her sex tape, but I just thought they were midget’s brought in to ramp up the kink factor.
But how? How could such an innocuous threat overthrow a seemingly invincible empire? I blame J. Lo. Somewhere in The Bronx, in, oh say about 1986, the rebel force was preparing to topple the twin dictatorship. And it did, in a victory so unforeseen it hearkens back to the Vietnam War. Or when Ivan Drago killed Apollo Creed.
I present a hypothesis: Ask any guy under 40 what he’s into and the vast majority will reply: Brunettes with nice asses. While men over 40 will invariably reply “Blondes with big boobs.” We are a nation divided.
Had I proposed said hypothesis: In 1990 I imagine the reception would not have been unlike the one braved by Chris Columbus when he was on that whole “the earth is round” tip. Flying cars and legalized marijuana? No problem. But butts? Over boobs? Brunettes over blondes? Preposterous. The busty blonde is this country’s lifeblood, staunchly enduring in the face of world wars and cultural revolutions. Until now.
When I asked British expat/ Hollywood sperm bank Russell Brand to expound on the matter, he had this to say “A woman’s ass is sublime, and the fact that there’s an orifice in there is …well, it is one of life’s great gifts.” Really? Try telling that to a toilet.
So what is the point of this rant other than allowing me to vent about having to retire my Miracle bra while saving on Balayage highlights? It’s to implore you, dear reader, to dig deeper. To embrace the notion that the there’s more to the apple-bottomed brunette than a juicy booty and sultry tresses, and that perhaps Bel Biv Devoe was wrong, and we should trust a big butt and a smile. Or, at least, in a big butt and a smile. Many a lesson can be gleaned from the ass- About tolerance, about beauty, about corn and how we don’t digest it so good. The badonk should be erected as a symbol of equality and a visually pleasing reminder to never discount the underdog.
“If I can change, then you can change. Everybody can change!” Rocky Babloa after he knocked out Ivan Drago in the 15th round. (Incidentally, Drago was a blonde.)
A few days ago, an American mom-of-two revealed how she spent $10,000 to get Pippa Middleton’s butt.
Jill Fizgerald (pictured above) said: “When I saw how men all over the community reacted with desire for Pippa’s shapes, I established to take serious measures.”
She began studying techniques online and discovered physician Dr. Constantino Mendieta who provided the “Pippa Buttocks Lift” for $10,000.
And the 43-year-old was thrilled with the results, saying: “Everything just fitted much better, in a charming way, like Pippa’s bridesmaid’s outfit did on her.”
We spoke exclusively to Dr. Constantino Mendieta about this rear-end trend, and he tells us that actually, the interest in Pippa has been pipped by the likes of Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian.
“Pippa’s was a common trend right after the royal wedding, ” he says. “I had a lot of requests for it and was the most popular at the time. It still is popular, but not as much as Jennifer Lopez’s or Kim Kardashian’s. I have eight to ten people a month coming in with photos of Kim and wanting their butts to look like hers. Considering I have about 40 consults a month, that’s a high number of people who want Kim’s behind. It’s better when people bring photos in because it allows me to understand the idea of where they want to go.”
Dr. Constantino Mendieta says the trend in buttock enhancement started over ten years ago, and one woman was singlehandedly responsible for this plastic surgery boom: Jennifer Lopez.
“When Jennifer turned up to the Grammy’s in the late 90′s, women everywhere started to admire curves again and how shapely her butt was. That’s what women who come to me want, a shapely, pert backside.”
The trend, he says, is currently flourishing as more and more women opt for a curvier figure than the stick-thin waifs of yesteryear.
The procedure takes two-and-a-half hours and costs around $14,000, and the recovery time is less than one would think.
“It takes 10 days to get back to work, two months to get back to the gym, and in three to six months you will see a perkier, tighter, prettier butt.”
And who, in his opinion has the best butt in Hollywood?
“Jessica Biel, Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez,” he reveals.
He also warns not to look for a quick fix at a cut cost.
“People need to be aware that there are non professional out there, and they have no clue what is being injected into their bodies, and ten years down the line, that is going to be a real problem,” he warns.